Broom, Broom (Fungus #1) Read online

gave him a huge piece.

  "Thank you, darling," said Zapata. "Okay, the butcher in Footscray told me that is a little mystery. They grow chickens in a farm, and Mr Soup was in charge of the heater. One day he was drinking cafe. By mistake, he dropped the cup, and when he was cleaning up, a bell rang. The bell was the sign that the heater stop working and the temperature got under zero degrees. So it mean that all chickens were frozen. Two thousand chickens frozen to hell! Mr Corazon promise to kill Mr Soup.

  "Mr Corazon, for years, was the tribe doctor, the Shaman. He knew how to dance and kill.

  The commissioner spoke up. "Come on? We don't have any facts. How can the butcher prove all that?"

  "I can see we are going to be friends," said Zapata. "We work so differently, se?or. You need facts, and I go by my feeling. I like this."

  He took out the picture that he found in the lift. "In this picture, the one fucking is Mr Corazon. But he is dancing, not fucking, and is dancing because that is the way shamans dance."

  "Maybe you are right," said Juliette. "The curator of exotic art in the National Gallery of Victoria told me that, in antique cultures, the shaman, the doctor of the tribe, would dance in that way to crush the bad spirits. That is the pose Mr Corazon is in. Crushing the spirits."

  "So what are the missing pieces in this little mystery?" said Randall.

  "The butcher told me that, now, Mr Corazon is one of the worst people in the area because in the last years he become very aggressive and he kill a lot of people," said Zapata. "No one talk about him. And they don't know why he is like that."

  "So why don't they arrest him and put him in jail?" said Randhall.

  "Because he has a very good bodyguard."

  "Sissy, the fisherman!" cried Juliette.

  At that moment, two very British-looking men entered the office.

  "Attention, everyone," one of them said. "We have found the jewels! Who is in charge here?"

  "I am the commissioner," said Randhall. "Where are the jewels?"

  "In the kindergarten you ordered the commandos to enter, commissioner."

  Everyone was stunned. They looked at Zapata.

  "But where in the kindergarten?" asked Randhall.

  "The children were playing marbles with the black jewels. They are the most valuable ones, apparently. The Queen was crying out for them to be recovered."

  "Sissy, the fisherman, told the commandos that the black jewels are very good because the children can see them when they play on the snow. He was playing with them. The white jewels are useless because no one can see them."

  "And where are the white ones?" asked Randhall.

  "Ah! My friend Jose has taken care of them," said Zapata. "They were found in a park in Panama. The bastard here is Pejerto; he got the white balls of the Queen."

  Mr Bacon was confused. "But Zapata, we were talking about the kindergarten being in the Arctic, not Panama."

  "The brother of Corazon is Pejerto. He has properties in Panama and a big mansion. Corazon send to him the white jewels. The brother Corazon made him an offer he couldn't refuse and Jose, the undercover Bolivian agent, is trying to crash them."

  Mr Lefturn Oily Voice, who had appeared in the doorway, called for everyone's attention. With a big smile, he made an announcement. "Just now, the Queen called me from her hospital bed. She was ecstatic on hearing that the jewels had been recovered. Unfortunately, the good news caused her to smile too much. The muscles around her mouth became frozen. She is sending a special award, to be given to the premier."

  The premier, who had been standing behind Mr Lefturn Oily Voice, now stepped forward. "I have received a lot of compliments from the prime minister," he said. "The British have decided not to cut diplomatic ties."

  "Come here, Mr Commissioner, come and give me a big man-hug," said the premier.

  Randhall took a step forward, but the premier was already facing Zapata. "Aaahh, my wonderful, Colombian wog, what a pleasure!"

  "The further news is that all of Buckingham Palace is in hospital! No one could believe it when a carrier pigeon landed in the palace grounds, carrying a pouch with the white jewels inside, and they have all been temporarily relocated to a mental asylum."

  "Ah!" cried Zapata. "Jose very good. He send 'Giant Looser,' the fattest pigeon in the region, to bring the jewels to England. Now he is very skinny, because is a long fly for a pigeon."

  Just then, Zapata's mother burst into the room,

  "Hello, my little pigeons. Ha ha ha. I have cake that is good for circulation."

  Zapata was very embarrassed.

  "Mami andate estas loca?" he cursed. (Mummy, go away. Are you crazy?) [This is the last time I will translate something!]

  Randhall came over and chastised Zapata. "Don't be rude to your mother."

  "Uuuuhaaaa, such a handsome man, tell me ? are you married? I am single and live in a big house in Footscray." There are no big houses in Footscray, only big containers.

  Mr Bacon, who was sitting at his computer, looked at an email he had received. "Attention everyone," he read. "The Bolivian secret service has just reported to Scotland Yard. They have apprehended Mr Pejerto, brother of Corazon, in Panama. Also, the KGB, together with Scotland Yard, have captured Corazon himself and his cartel. The only one they could not take was?"

  "Sissy?" asked Juliette.

  "Yes, Sissy."

  "Why?"

  "Because he can't stop playing marbles with White Snow."

  End of report

  Government advice

  The new assistant to the chief commissioner, Mr Alberto Zapata, is the best candidate to become the new commissioner if we succeed in making the current commissioner renounce his position.

  End of Episode 1

  Randhall, Zapata, and Juliette

  About the author

  Sergio Tell was born in Buenos Aires. Having never felt comfortable in any language or country, he changes them both all the time. He currently lives in Australia, not having enough petrol to leave.

  Sergio was expelled from kindergarten for attempting to kiss his teacher, and so was not accepted into primary school. In Australia, not finding anyone he wanted to kiss, he managed to graduate university and become a lecturer in drama. He has also been a performer, appearing in State Coroner, The Adventures of Lano & Woodley, and Marshall Law.

  Once he got free of schools, and out into the world to "achieve goals," he learned that frequent flyers on this life's journey often find themselves seated next to the devil. But smiles and laughter can ward the devil off: he is allergic to them.

  Sergio hopes his stories will help readers smile and laugh, and put their devils to rest.

 

  Copyright

  Broom, Broom

  Copyright ?2012 by Sergio Tell

  All rights reserved

  v.20121102

  Cover image ? auremar - Fotolia.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  This ebook is licensed for a single reader only, and may not be resold or given away. If you would like to share this book with another person, please buy an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not buy it, or it was not bought for you, please buy your own copy. Thank you for supporting the writers and the art form that you love.