Broom, Broom (Fungus #1) Page 3

Irritante has a similar sign to the picture of the arrow Mr Zapata found."

  "OK, now is my turn," said Zapata. " Listen. Colours, colours. What color is the color of life? Black? White?"

  "No, it's shit!" said Randhall, sarcastically.

  "Shit is not a colour, my dear," said Zapata. "And shush, my turn. I not stop your Bola Irritante things when you talk before!"

  "Now, the Queen send her black and white diamond exhibition with her Supos Itorio here and then, I found the Supos Itorio in a white package. Dear commissioner, just tell me what color is the snow?

  "You tell me, Sherlock Holmes?"

  "White," said Juliette.

  "Yes, the snow, the white shoes, the package, and half of the jewels are white. And what do you think is an arrow is not an arrow but a picture of an Aleut harpoon. Ahah! Yes. And the letter on the breast of the director, on the shoes, and on the harpoon is letter A. When I was a little kid, my school in Panama took us on a tour to the Artic. And there we meet the Aleut people. They are the Eskimosos, and they use this harpoon to kill animals, or traitors! I also found in the lift of the exhibition this picture."

  Zapata gave copies of the photo to all the team. "You see, the picture is snow, and this man, that I don't know who is, looks ? as if he ? sorry se?ora (to Juliette) ? is fucking something, but not a woman."

  Everyone looked at the picture closely.

  "You are right," said Mr Bacon. "I know about the Aleut people. They don't like traitors. But still we don't have any hard evidence that they were involved in the crime. What is the link between the Aleut and the Queen? Who killed the Queen's servant, and where are the jewels?"

  Zapata thought for a moment. "Give me a cell phone and I find clues. Here in Melbourne lives an eskimoso from Cold Bay in the Artic and he is a butcher in Footscray, where I live. He will tell me things. He knows me because my mother always buy meat, without bones of course. We don't like bones, but we buy and eat meat from him."

  Commissioner Randhall interjected, "Oh, how fascinating. And can you please tell us, what kind of toilet paper do you and your mother like to use? And where do you buy your tacos?"

  "Commissioner!" Mr Lefturn Oily Voice yelled. "The world is falling apart and you are making sarcastic remarks."

  "Take this phone and go," said Juliette. "Keep searching, Mr Zapata."

  After Zapata had gone, the team gathered around Mr Bacon's computer to analyze Zapata's theory.

  "Everything Zapata said about the Aleut is completely true, particularly the bit about the weapon," Mr Bacon said.

  "In addition, we have checked out the background of the Queen's servant, and we've found something of great interest. Scotland Yard's secret files say that Mr Soupos Itorio Deep came from India originally. But there are no records anywhere. The Russian Ministry of Immigration confirms that, for a period of twenty years, he crossed in and out of Russia, before settling in England. They don't know the reason. It appears that he had a close friend, a Mr Manajhem Corazon. No one knows anything about this mysterious Mr Corazon."

  "I will approach the Eskimo Government," said the commissioner. "Please, Bacon, try to get more information about Mr Corazon. And Juliette, could you take the picture to the various embassies and ask if they can make sense of its contents?"

  - - -

  At Zapata's house (or container), his mother was, as usual, yelling at him.

  As she does not speak English I will translate, except when she is swearing.

  "Te mato hijo de la reverenda prostituta que soy yo. Te voy a cortar las bola." (She sweared and it is extremely rude. I don't translate.)

  "Son of a bitch, fuck you. You can't talk with the butcher because he will stop give us good meat." (Sorry, she caught me by surprise. I did not know my uncle-auntie speaks English!)

  Zapata replied, "Mami a mi me estan por recomendar y tengo que hablar con Nabuco." (And now my bloody cousin speaks Spanish. What he said was that they would make him commissioner and he needed to talk with Nabuco, the Eskimo butcher.If they keep mucking around with languages, I call the police!)

  "You already talk with him because last time you say he give you chicken sausages," she said.

  "So what is wrong with that?"

  "You are forty-eight years old and you don't know that chickens not have sausages? Idiota. Gallinas son mujeres y solo el gallo tiene una salchicha pequenita." (Chickens are female, and only roosters have little sausages.)

  "Okay, Mom, go to have a rest."

  As Zapata left the container, his mother ran after him, yelling, "You not understand anything of sex and sausages. I know and?"

  He ignored her and kept going. He was heading for the butcher's shop.

  A few metres before the entrance to the shop, a big demonstration was in progress. The demonstrators were protesting against companies who were destroying the bush. Zapata couldn't get into the shop, and called out to the butcher.

  As Nabuco moved towards Zapata, a demonstrator with a microphone spoke to the audience. "What if we take one of the executives of the logging company and do with him what they are doing to the trees?" she said. All the people yelled, "Yes, yes, show us what you would do." They took the first person they could find and ? you guessed it ? yes, my stupid cousin!

  A few burly demonstrators grabbed him and put him on a table that was positioned on the back of a truck, like a temporary stage. On the table was a huge circular saw.

  Zapata called out to Nabuco. Throwing him his phone, he yelled out. "Call my office and ask them to come and help me." Then he had a depressing thought. "But who will care? Ayayayayay."

  Nabuco did not manage to contact the office.

  The next day

  1.35 pm at the police commissioner's office - nothing is happening.

  3.30 pm at the premier's office - nothing is happening.

  4.40 pm at Zapata's container - his mother is swearing and cooking a cake.

  6.90 pm at the police commissioner's office - the premier is yelling at Randhall on the phone, and everyone can listen but nothing serious is happening.

  9.77 pm at the police commissioner's office - pizza is delivered.

  Everyone was commenting on the day. Zapata was not there. Only Mr Bacon noticed that someone was opening the door to the office. Mr Bacon froze for a moment. The premier entered with Mr Lefturn Oily Voice. Still yelling and in a very strong and assertive tone, the premier said, "Pizza ? with no mushrooooooooooooms!"

  "What were you doing during the day? Did you discover anything?"

  The Premier looked at the commissioner. "Where is our next chief commissioner? Is there any news about the snow?"

  Sergeant Juliette's phone rang. "Yes, we are here, but where are you? What? Where did they take you? Did they hurt you? You talked with him? What? Now you know everything? Okay, speak slowly. Send Scotland Yard to the Aleutian Islands, Cold Bay, in the Arctic. They have to ask for a man called Sissy?

  "You mean a woman?" asked Juliette. "Ah, Sissy is the name of a three- metre tall fisherman, who is in charge of security. Okay.

  "We need to tell them to be careful and to ask Sissy to take them to, what? The kindergarten? And not to be rude to the kids because, if you are, Sissy will kill everyone, maybe also the kids.

  "Tell me, what will they do in the kindergarten? What, can't tell? Okay. And you are still on the table? Can you come now, here?

  "Okay, okay. Tomorrow, six o'clock in the morning. Be here. Yes, with your mother's cake if you like. I will prepare coffee. Yes, everyone will be here.

  Sergeant Juliette turned to the others. "Zapata said?"

  The premier corrected her. "Our next commissioner said?."

  After getting over the shock of hearing for a second time, right in front of Commissioner Randhall, that the premier planned a promotion for Zapata, Juliette recounted all that she had heard.

  "It will be done exactly as the new commissioner has asked," the premier responded.

  "Let me be the one to talk to Scotland Yard,"
asked Juliette. "I will repeat, line for line, what Zapata has said." The premier corrected her again. "You mean, what our next commissioner said."

  After hearing new commissioner a third time, former commissioner Randhall had another asthma attack, even more severe than the last.

  - -?-

  At 6.30 am the next day, in the commissioner's office, Zapata was giving cake to everyone. The place already looked like the inside of the compost bin in a giant bakery.

  The commissioner spoke, at first under his breath. "Fucking bloody shit." Then, he spoke to Zapata. "Can you please talk? We all have had enough of your mother's cake."

  "Cake is good for your asthma and circulation," said Zapata. Then, turning to the others, he began.

  "Ladies, gentleman, and cockroaches. Cockroaches because still few little points of the crime are in dark. The servant of the Queen, Mr Soup, was an Eskimosos. And when he lived in the Island that Scotland Yard I hope is there now, he was a business partner with Mr Manajhem Corazon. Corazon, you know, was for long time the heart and leader of the Aleut people. But no one wants to talk about it now. In his private life he was partner with his friend, Mr Soup. But they went in bankruptcy and Mr Soup try to go away to Russia ? and he become a traitor."

  The commissioner was amazed, and muttered, "Bloody hell, that was what the KGB said. That for twenty years he came and went in and out of Russia. But why did they go into bankruptcy? What business did they have?"

  Zapata was delighted that, for the first time, the commissioner agreed with him. "Aha ? sorry, can I have more cake, before it all goes?"

  Juliette