Broom, Broom (Fungus #1) Read online

machine, not in the milk bar like you. I bought it in the super. Cheaper. Eight dollar. Came, I have a lot of gossip to tell about your cousin."

  We entered the flat, he went to bring the cafe, we sat down and he said to me, "Now I talk and you'll be like a mummy, dead and shut up, okay?"

  "Mmm," I said.

  "The big boss of Victoria is not the Premier," he started out. "The real boss is the Premier's right hand, Mr Lefturn Oily Voice. Few weeks ago the Premier was watching the bikini TV program (the Premier loves bottoms) and suddenly his right hand, Mr Lefturn Oily Voice came, turn off the TV and said, 'Premier, if you want to win the coming elections, put a new migrant in a senior position so all the wogs will give you the vote.' The Premier was very surprised. The only thing he said was, 'Who? where? what senior position?' "

  "Exactly," I said. "What senior position?"

  "In Footscray," Kootis said.

  So I laugh-ahahah-and I say, "Now I understand."

  "A petty officer from Panama," Kootis went on. "Ta tan ? and his father is now his mother ? and ta tan ? and so on. So because of that, next week your cousin Zapata will be assistant to the commissioner."

  So I asked, "But who is the commissioner?"

  Kootis said, "Chief Commissioner Edward Joseph Randhall is the dark ghost of prostitution and drug mafia in Victoria. He was everywhere and nowhere, catching all the criminals. Sometimes he was in disguise: sometimes he was a prostitute."

  Randhall came from one of the most aristocratic families in Victoria. His family hated and detested migrants like your cousin."

  Kootis added, "Randhall is an international black belt in karate, a boxing champion, and did not like fish. The gossip said that when he saw the email from Mr Lefturn Oily Voice that he had to share his?position with your cousin named Alberto Zapata, he ate all the fish in his office aquarium. He almost had a heart attack".

  "I am very happy," I said to Kootis. "My cousin will have a very nice boss. He deserves that."

  Then Da Xia, our Chinese neighbour, start to yell that we talk too much and we too loud and we don't know Chinese and so on. So Kootis said to me, "Oh, not again. Anyway, you have a look and read that. We talk later. I go and bring Da Xia a cafe. She loves my cafe."

  He went away, but before that he gave me a newspaper article to read. I did not understood why, but I read it.

  Melbourne News-April 12

  Victoria-All the people in Melbourne were very excited to receive the news from England.

  The Guardian - April 12

  Queen Elizabeth is pleased to announce the appointment of her most trusted servant, Mr Soupos Itorio Deep, as director of the Black and White Jewel Exhibition, which is travelling to Melbourne, Australia, in the next few months.

  In addition, she is having her hair cut.

  The highly unusual stones contained in the exhibition are the most precious in the Queen's collection. They represent a unique opportunity for the people of Australia to appreciate the cultural richness of their British heritage.

  It is also significant that the queen has not had a hair cut for a very long time.

  Political business

  "This is a stroke of genius by Mr Lefturn Oily Voice," I read in the newspaper. "He engineered a cultural coup just before the election. The over-sixties will love him. The exhibition will have high international status and will require massive security. It will involve MI5 and Scotland Yard, as well as a large contingent of local and other international security forces."

  Kootis came back so I asked him, "Very nice but why you gave me?

  "Dear Cucumber," he said, "When the English Queen moves, James Bond can't be drank or anything, he has to be on standby for the Queen."

  "Yes, I know," I said. "But she is not coming, she is just sending her jewels."

  With a very cheeky smile, serving me more cafe he said, "Now look what a South American virus like your skunk zorrillo cousin, can do.

  "Chief Commissioner Randhall was preparing all the security protocols with his team when he received an email from our Al Capone, Mr Lefturn Oily Voice, and said, 'What! ? Fucking bullshit! Juliette, bring me a coffee! This time no sugar. Mr Bacon, check the computer. I don't believe it! That new officer, Mr Skunk, is in charge of security for the exhibition."

  Kootis was laughing-jajajaja-and added, "All the Australian news papers were asking the same question: 'How was it that a South American officer was given charge of the security of a multibillion dollar British exhibition in Melbourne?

  "You know that the horse Black Caviar, the Australian race champion, had a counterfeit great-grandmother? His name is White Petrol and the owner was reading the newspapers and asking, 'Why can't a South American officer take charge of security?'

  "A week later, tinned fish in the supermarkets seemed to have an unusual smell. Word was that the owner of White Petrol and the grandmother horse itself were inside the tins. That's what the mafia will do if you say an immigrant can't take charge! Jajajaja!"

  Kootis try to give me a new cafe, but I said to him that I have to do something and I went back to my place.

  Monday

  I wake up early and I went to the container. After what Kootis said to me yesterday, I want to talk with my cousin. It was early in the morning when I arrived at Zapata's container and my cousin was already going out wearing a suit, very handsome I have to say, and he took me from my arm and while he kept walking he said, "Dale toro! They call me last night to come this morning to the office of the chief commissioner to introduce me to them. I think they love me. Come with me and I can find a job for you also."

  I started to tell my cousin, "Hang on, let me tell you?" when I found myself inside a taxi. I could not talk with him because he was so excited that he was telling his entire story to the taxi driver.

  When we entered the office, my cousin started to offer pieces of cake from his pocket, telling everyone that his mother made it. This is what we do on our first day at a new job in Panama.

  The one that looked like Commissioner Randhall immediately jumped out the window. We were on the third floor.

  My cousin, trying to be helpful, yelled out that he did a course in the army in Panama twenty-six years ago, and knew first aid. Then he ran to the ground floor to help the commissioner. Sergeant Juliette (whose name and rank were on her uniform) is the commissioner's executive assistant, and she followed him. She said that if Zapata will come close to Randhall, the commissioner would have convulsions and a major heart attack.

  The ambulance came and started to treat Randhall, who was miraculously unhurt.

  Zapata came back to the office and said to the Sergeant, "What type of cell phone am I going to receive?"

  Juliette rushed up to Zapata, put her foot on his crotch and pinned him against the wall by one testicle. She put a broom handle on his forehead, saying, "To be or not to be? That is the question. You have a choice here. The last witch to use this broom couldn't handle it at all. And she did not have car insurance. Now she can't even use a wheelchair. I, on the other hand, do know how to handle this broom."

  "Formula 1 broom! Very fast, ah! Broom, broom!" my cousin responded. She pushed the handle of the broom up his nostril.

  "If you keep asking for a phone and disturbing the commissioner, I will?"

  I putted myself inside a little cabinet. I didn't want anyone to know I am there.

  Suddenly the commissioner appeared, so I push myself more deep inside the cabinet. He said, "Thank you Sergeant Juliette, let me have the pleasure."

  "I think they don't like me here too much," my cousin said, looking where the hell am I.

  While pinned to the wall by his testicles, one under the foot of the Sergeant and the other under the foot of the commissioner, a very smooth and oily voice said, "Thank you, Mr Commissioner. I'll take it from here."

  It was the voice of Mr Lefturn Oily Voice.

  They immediately let Zapata go.

  "Dear Mr Commissioner, I hope you are making your new assistant
feel welcome," said Oily Voice.

  "They don't want to give me a phone," said Zapata. "Only a speed broom she wants to give me."

  "Oh, don't worry, they will give you a factory of phones or brooms if I tell them to, is that not right Mr Commissioner?"

  "I want only one, only one phone. To be in contacto, you know? And I don't like brooms."

  "Never, never does a public servant contradict the express orders of the Premier of Victoria," Mr Lefturn Oily Voice said angrily to the commissioner.

  "This does not look like a welcome introduction to our new assistant to the commissioner, and if the premier wants a Russian or a Nigerian to be assistant to the chief of police, they will be the assistant. Do you understand?"

  "I understand," my cousin said, and I thought why he doesn't shut up. "I am a bit black and not speak good English but che, I am from Panama."

  The cabinet I was in was just a half metre from the window that the commissioner jumped from before so I said to myself, if he can jump, maybe I can jump also.

  After my cousin said where he is from, everyone was preparing to go away, so when I saw that no one was looking at the cabinet direction, I slide slowly out of the cabinet, came close to the window and jumped out. Because I jumped I thought I can also be a commissioner, but on the way down, I remembered that we were in the 3th floor.

  - - -

  Today, I think, is the sixth week I am lying here in the hospital. I remember that I was putting something in a cabinet.

  I had a visitor.

  "Oh hello," I said. "Yes, yes, I remember, you are?"

  "Kootis."

  "Ah yes, Kootis, how are you? If I want cafe? Jajaja, no, no thanks. Tell me how things going?" I said, trying to remember something.

  So he told me, "Dear friend, how are you? You know, your cousin had become the hero of Victoria. Now you are here in bed so read the story. Hard to believe. This report was prepared for the, you know is not secret but they call the report 'confidential.' Read it. I have to go back to work so I see you later or tomorrow. Chau, have a good time."

  It looks that a lot of things happen since I came to the hospital. My cousin a hero. Maybe after I jumped I become the new commissioner? I will read the report.

  So, six weeks before today?

  The report

  In the following days there were two openings at the Melbourne Exhibition Centre, the first for the diplomats and trade commissioners, and the second for the general public. It was the launch of the Royal Black and White Jewels Exhibition.

  Wednesday, 21 June

  On the first day the building was full of people: there were TV cameras, the media, a lot of police, secret agents, and security officers. The premier conducted the launch. All state and national political leaders were present, together with many international representatives and the director, Mr Soupos Itorio Deep, famous for always wearing white shoes.

  The special guest was the prime minister.

  Prior to the opening, Randhall and his team got ready to move into action. They prepared three cars with plenty of security equipment and weapons. Randhall made sure that the cars were all so full that there was no room for Zapata. When Zapata went out to the street to join them, he found that they had gone without him.

  Randhall had succeeded this time.

  As the team arrived without Zapata, Mr Lefturn Oily Voice was very surprised. "Where is Zapata?"

  "We did not see him," they responded.

  While the speeches were in progress, all present were looking at the stage. Midway through, Zapata entered the hall. He had come by taxi and was planning to ask Sergeant Juliette for the money he had paid the taxi driver. Like the expert agent that he wasnot, he stopped to study the crowd. He was watching for anything suspicious.

  Commissioner Randhall was with Mr Soupos Itorio Deep. The director's shoes drew Zapata's attention. He could see that the shoes were white, but he thought he could make out the letter A painted on one of them.

  As the speeches concluded, he tried to get closer. People were starting to dance and waiters were carrying food. They would not give way to Zapata. Meanwhile, Mr Lefturn Oily Voice wanted to make an announcement over the public address system-the appointment of my cousin as assistant commissioner. But all the microphones malfunctioned, so he gave up. Little did he know that Randhall had outmaneuvered him again. The commissioner had given special orders to the technical staff to shut off the PA system if Oily Voice tried to use it.

  Zapata was finally able to approach the commissioner. As he did so, Sergeant Juliette stepped between them to prevent the commissioner from shooting Zapata with his tiny special machine gun.

  The event finished calmly and everyone retired to their hotel rooms and shipping containers. Tomorrow would be a new day.

  Thursday, 22 June

  6.30am. Randhall's mobile phone rang. Juliette's voice was on the other end.

  "The exhibition has been completely destroyed. All the jewels have been stolen."

  "Where is the director?" Randhall asked.

  "Hanging from one of the ceiling fans, spinning around."

  "What?"

  "Yes ? just his head. They are trying to find his body."

  "I am coming immediately. Say absolutely nothing to the media."

  - - -

  At 6.45, Randhall was in his car listening to the news on his radio.

  "Breaking story: the Royal Exhibition has been destroyed by persons unknown. The jewels are stolen and the head of the English director is ventilating the hall."

  When the commissioner entered the hall, the first thing he saw was Zapata checking the case where the jewels had been. In their place were the director's famous white shoes. Juliette was observing.

  "I not found the body of the English chief," said Zapata, "But I found his white shoes and this picture with a little A on the end of something that looks like an arrow but I think is a weapon."

  "But an arrow is a weapon. What the hell are you talking about?" said Juliette.

  "This is a weapon, not an arrow."

  Randhall drew his gun and pointed it at Zapata.

  "Sergeant, what time is Mr Lefturn Oily Voice coming? Can I please give Mr Sherlock Holmes here a ticket to shit city right now?"

  "Oily voice is already here, Mr Commissioner," said Juliette. "But maybe Sherlock Holmes is on the right track about the arrow?"

  At that moment, my cousin observed something on the wall above the commissioner's head. There he could see a tiny crack. He asked the commissioner if he would clasp his hands together so he, Zapata, could be lifted up to the height of the crack.

  The commissioner grumbled, but Mr Lefturn Oily Voice wagged his finger. "Hop to it! You heard what he said."

  Randhall did as he was told. Zapata pushed into the crack with his finger and more cracks appeared above it. Then he started to jump on Randhall's hands, trying to push further in. As he did so, the end of a length of rope fell out of the wall.

  He tugged on the rope and a part of the wall crashed down on Randhall's head. With it came a big white package.

  Oily Voice spoke. "Here is a present from the sky for you, Mr Commissioner."

  At first, everyone was very surprised, and Zapata thought that he had discovered America.

  While Juliette went to help the commissioner, Zapata opened the package. Inside was a body, without a head and with a big letter A on its chest.

  "We found the rest of Supos Itorio. If he fall on your head, you are dead too," Zapata said to the commissioner.

  Sergeant Juliette got up and looked at the body.

  "What the hell is the letter A doing there?"

  Mr Lefturn Oily Voice, with a big smile, hugged Zapata. "Well done, my boy," he said. Then he turned to the commissioner, extremely irritated, and screamed at him.

  "The attention of the world is on us now. We need answers and we need the jewels back! As we speak, security from all around the world is on its way to Melbourne. An international alliance
has been formed around the Queen. MI5, the FBI, the KGB, Mossad, Gu??nb?, the Bundesnachrichtendienst, Kempetai-all are sending forces. So, Mr Commissioner, it is now 0705. At 1300 hours we want answers."

  "No problems," said Zapata. "I think I know who did this. Now, can I get my cell phone?"

  One of Randhall's team gave him a phone. Randhall immediately had an asthma attack. Juliette came to his aid. She whispered in his ear. "Joseph, give him a chance. After all, he discovered the body."

  With his phone, Zapata made a call. "I order a furniture company," he told everyone when he was finished, "to bring few couches here because I want you to sit down and to listen who is the criminal like Agatha Christina movie when Miss Marbles explain the crime to everyone."

  Juliette turned to Zapata. "Listen, it's great that you discovered the body. Please, can we have a two-hour break before we hear your theory? The commissioner needs time to recover. Let's say nine o'clock."

  "Sometimes you are very clever," Zapata replied. "See you eight o'clock. I hope good for Commi Randhall. Maybe he needs Vodka."

  - - -

  My cousin came to my flat.

  He rang the bell where I live. It was 6.28 in the morning, so I yelled to him to go back to Panama or go to his container and ask his mother to do a cake for him and finish it with tea and go to hell. For him, I don't buy the ticket. He can pay for it himself.

  Zapata rang, and rang, and finally stop. After the bloody noise of the bell, I fall ? asleep ? and dreamed ? and dre+#@^$%&(*@! me-=?

  - - -

  8.00 at the commissioner's office. All the team was assembled. Zapata had not arrived yet. The commissioner was explaining his theory while projecting photos, and he stood up to adjust the focus. At that moment the door opened quickly and propelled him across the room. Zapata appeared in the doorway with the arrow picture in his hand.

  "Sorry, Commi." (For him, Commi was a nice way to say commissioner.)

  "I was right. Was not an arrow, was a harpoon. This is the weapon used by Aleut people of Artic."

  Staggering to his feet, Randhall replied. "Could you ring your people and ask them to bring me a couch? I think I need it now."

  "Yes, not problem. Give me a phone and I do it."

  "Okay, okay, okay. What is your theory, Zapata?"

  "No no. Please, first you. I have a little bit of cake still in my pocket and I want to finish it. You first."

  "Okay, thank you," said Randhall. "Our officer, Mr Bacon, found confidential information that there is no link between the Queen's man and the Widefloor drug cartel from Scotland, as we thought before.

  The previous year, MI5 had caught two agents from Kuneitra, the Siberian drug cartel.

  "So I am right, no?" Zapata asked.

  The commissioner didn't answer.

  Mr Lefturn burst through the door. "The premier is under extreme pressure. We are in a very deep diplomatic hole. The British want to end diplomatic links with Australia. How could you let this happen, Randhall?"

  "Please, let me explain, sir."

  "We checked the communication devices of the Siberian agents, and we found many calls to Bola Irritante, the big drug cartel in Italy. Maybe those groups were in charge of planning the robbery and execution. They could have killed the queen's director because he got in the way of their plan. Bola